Blood-Kissed Butterflies

( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

For the upcoming school year till around the time Anime Boston rolls around, I have a few goals:

1) Writing, Illustrating and self publishing 2 doujinshis. Here's the details:

[Type] Yaoi [Fandom] Yu-Gi-Oh [Pairing] Jounouchi x Kaiba

[Type] Yaoi [Fandom] Wild Arms [Pairing] Rudy x Zed

2) Finishing Act 3 of my webcomic, Yggdrasil.

3) Competing in Tokyopop's Rising Stars of Manga. :3 Be sure to support me! I'll be posting little progress here and there but officially, I can't show any of the pages. I think character sketches should be okay. :3

Anywho, that's all right now. <3

The moment I got home after attending AnimeBoston, I knew that I wouldn't have a good summer. Not only does my closet space disappear because of my cousin, who is temporarily living with us, using all of my closet, which I had first (and she KEEPS ON BUYING MORE CLOTHES every time I turn around), but my things after college, have been strewn apart, all around the house. Boxes upstairs, downstairs, basement. I can't even find my gameboy that has my favorite gameboy games on it since all my stuff is everywhere.

Recently, my mom forced me to work at the restaurant for more than 12 hours a day. Wtf? A normal work day is 8 fucking hours, that I could handle, but not 12. I'm not all that excited to NOT GET PAID for working long, boring days as well. It's fucking annoying. I get tips, but only about 20 bucks. What is this? Child Labor? I can't even leave when there ARE NO PEOPLE TO HELP OUT! When I bring up going home, I get bitched out. "What are you going to do when you get home then? Nothing? Well you have to stay here because I said so." That's pretty much how the argument between my mother and I go. I had three of those today.  I'm so sick and tired of it.

This is why I'm looking forward to going back to college---to get away from her and my annoying family... I get the space I need and such. Another thing, everytime my mother talks to me,  just want to get a knife and stab my heart. I just don't want to hear it anymore. She's yelling at me about various things a day but she claims it to be "teaching" me. Yeah, okay, parents teach their children by bitching them out every second of the day. When my mother knows how angry I am at her, she gets all nice and watches me draw my frustration out. Yeah, like I really want you around for that.

I've noticed a current trend of suicidal thoughts I have been having this past week as well, including the knife stabbing heart thing above. I saw a metal skewer today at work, and without asking myself why, I visioned myself plunging it into my chest. I have no idea why and my hand was about to reach for it when someone said my name. Sometimes I don't even want to be alive.

Part of the reason why I'm like this is because I need attention, people to talk to me right now; online and IRL. I feel like I've been abandoned; tossed out like an unwanted puppy. No love or anything. I hate my life and I almost wish I wasn't born at all.

Just wondering but--How do you feel about know-it-alls?

I'm so tired of college life. I've adjusted fine since the beginning of first semester but I'm not so sure that my own habits have changed. I believe myself not to be a nice person by nature. When I am brooding I look unhappy, angry and downright mean. I can't put on fake smiles that other people have the ability to. When I am unhappy, it shows on my face and when I'm depressed, it shows on my face. I will not talk about it and I tell you that now. That's just how I am, though I will listen to what you have to say. I am also a very blunt person, if I don't like something, I will downright tell you no matter what the consequenses may be. I don't tiptoe around anyone, not even my parents.

I think that going to China this summer will do me some good. I'm so tired.. I'm just so tired of being here in Massachusetts--the United States.. I'm so tired of people talking one way then doing another. I'm so tired of it. I look forward to going to class in the morning, I look forward to class in general and I look forward to learning, despite the things I really hate... But I'm...just so tired. I need to be alone...

I sometimes wonder if I was born in the right place and sometimes I wonder what would it have been like if I was born in China and not in America. Would it have been better for me? I feel so incomplete because I only know half my language and because work keeps getting in my way, I can't learn as much as I'd like to.

I am not an obsessive person: I know I act like it but I am not. I'd like to say that I am normal. So in saying this, I don't understand obsession, the disease, the compulsive need to do/buy something just because it's of such and such. I don't understand it. Even my obsession with yaoi has died, I'll admit that. I don't buy as much as I did, I buy regular things, like I always had. I like regular things... I can't and will not obsess about something that is not important. I'm tired of obsessing over things or people. *sighs*

I'm depressed but not enough to kill myself. I may not show it sometimes, but it's true. Being the oldest in my immediate family, I wasn't as concerned about being the best and I admit that and that is not important now. But now I feel like that has to be the case now, not just because all of us here are competing in the job market, but even amongst the closest of friends. I don't understand why this is so irritating...

I read in a forum that there are caucasians who think of Chinese as second best to the Japanese. What the hell? I don't think so. We're equal, if at all anything, it should be the Chinese to be the better. If it were not the Chinese, Japan would not be Japan as we know it. That little fact is the truth and there really is no arguing it, not that there is any kind of argument since if you look back in history, CHINESE PEOPLE WENT TO THE ISLANDS OF JAPAN. -_- Therefore Chinese people were the root of Japan. I think this has and is the main reason of my irritation lately. WE ARE NOT SECOND BEST, ZOMG! >

I'm not holding back!

HAPPY FUCKING VALENTINES DAY! I HATE EVERYONE IN WHITE HALL! (save for a few people)

What fucking assholes and retards! You know what happened today at 1:00AM in my dorm guys? A fucking 'fire!' Some fucking retard fucking thought they were a genious and left fucking dishes on the fucking stove! OH MY FUCKING GOD! just how retarded are these people on my fucking floor??

If God was real, why the fucking hell did he create such fucking dumb ass people!? Ignorant retards who think they can do whatever they want just because their parents are not watching? This is the result of what fucking dumb people are let loose to go to college! I could have lost my stuff! Sure some of my stuff is replaceable but you know what? I wouldn't have the money to buy that stuff again!

White Hall, and most of its residents: I hate you and I especially hate the residents therein. I salute your stupidity and I applaud you for being the number one retards I will ever have to room with for the rest of this semester. I hope that next year I will not have to see your faces again.

Owari.

Do not click if you don't like tests! O_O I was bored and it's 3:00 AM! O_O BTW, you don't have to post a comment--rather I wouldn't like to see one unless you got funny results! XD;

( Wanna see the spam? )

On friday the 13th, I got into a car accident at 4:40. It had gotten foggy and the roads were slick. I was coming back from Woburn, after dropping Megu off, from the highway and it was in the middle of rush hour. I had the worse luck to accidentally hit someone at like 15-20 mph, even though I was a car's length away. *points to the roads being slick* Fortunately, only my car was the one damaged, or actually, the hood of the car. I was so in shock when it happened.. The other person's car was fine, not a scratch, though it might have been the bumper...

What I'm worried about is about the woman, really. She wasn't injured, not shaken or anything (Even said that it happens to her all the time. makes me kinda wonder how SHE got her license... cause it was HER who came to a sudden, sudden stop that caused me to suddenly stop), however, she might try to attack my family with this months down the line if something else happens to her, you know? My parents are already in a lot of trouble as it is since my brother crashed our other car and totaled it on Friday the 13th of December! >_< Back luck! Grrrr!

All in all, I'm fine, the car isn't wrecked, it's only the hood... The woman isn't filing any kind of accident report with the police, only an insurance claim, which will make my insurance policy rise high, but it's okay. I'll pay it all back to my parents in the future. It's funny though. My dad kept saying that this was a little thing, but he kept yelling at me at the same time, making me feel insignifigant. -_o *sigh*

Great way to end winter vacation, huh? =P

TENIMYU~~~!!!!

Omg... I LOVE tenimyu~~~!! For those of you who don't know that means "The Prince of Tennis Musical!" I absolutely love it! After I heard about it, I downloaded some files and couldn't get enough! Takigawa Eiji is so beautiful and he's the P·E·R·F·E·C·T man! (The guy in my icon, btw) I want to touch his hair....! Ahem.. You guys should check it out too if you like the Prince of Tennis! :D :D :D

While at home, I downloaded a few more of the Tenimyu's but I wasn't able to get them all.. T_T I'm still looking for the first one they did and a few others, like the Hyoutei one, and there were two others that I didn't manage to get my hands on.. *sniffle* Must. Get. NOW~!.

Hana Yori Dango - Live Action

I finished watching this Japanese Dorama on Monday morning. It was so good! I can't believe how good of an actor MasaJun is! He can show all sorts of emotions and I don't know how to say it but he was excellent as Daimyouji Tsukasa! I don't think anyone could ever fill it that spot! I forgot who the actor's name was who played Tsukushi-chan, but she was really good as well! She was so cute, but it would have been better if she didn't say 'huh' so often. That was the only thing that bugged me.

And lastly, Hanazawa Rui was so hawt. O_O *melts* My favorite guy! X3

There's a 1995 (If I remember correctly) movie of this and I want to see it. My favorite actor is also in this one playing Rui named Fujiki Naohito。He's also in Antique Cake shop too! I need to finish that... O_O; (TACKEY'S IN IT! W00000000000t! <3<3)

Whelp, peace! じゃねみんなさま！　<3

When I first got my computer, about six or seven years ago, I use to roleplay online all the time and gamble away my life on it because I didn't have a life or much work or interest in drawing as I do now back then. I love to rp, trust me, I really do, but slowly, that inspiration to do so is slipping. The lack of time is contributing to this as well as life is catching up with me. There is so much I want to do that it hurts to decide what I should do with my free time... I want to hang out with my friends, I want to draw, I want to work on my comic, I want to go to work to get money... So much to do with so little time to do it in. *sighs*

Original roleplays are wonderful things, but I'm in need of something unoriginal now. I need to stretch those alternate universe writing skills of mine now.. I'm particularly craving some Hikaru no GO! loving right now and also I want to do a little more YuGiOh rping too.. (JouxKaiba) I miss all of that... but I don't know... *dies* X____x;

---

Oh my goddess... I'm so happy just how Page 56 came out in my comic this weekend.. so pretty and stuffies! I worked so hard on it! T_T I wish people would comment on the tagboard.. I love getting feedback... T_T *esplodes*

I spend lots of money but I know I really need to save it. It sucks having a job too. I get income, yes, but the thing is, it's hard to keep it all. There's always something I want or need to buy. T_T I have to start saving my money from now on! O_O After Thanksgiving though.. >_> I have two games coming to me this Wednesday! :D MAGNA CARTA: Tears of Blood WITH A FREE 100-page full-color ART BOOK included by Hyung-tae Kim! I completly worship him like my deity, NOT GOD! O_O; And my two long year wait ends when I get my second game! WILD ARMS: ALTER CODE F!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! I love you Rudy! XD

Um... Lesse.. I love my webcomic! :D Go visit? :D *gets shoed in the face for self plugging* T_T

Btw, I had a weird dream... >_> No description for you! >:3

Cartoon Network, specifically Adult Swim and anything dealing with Anime in general, really just loves pissing me off. Not only that but it probably gets other Anime fans off as well. Just by the way they fucking NUKE original Japanese anime when they bring it stateside. Although I know many people appreciate that they get SOMETHING rather than nothing from this company, and many others, why couldn't they produce something that was of fucking, at least GOOD quality? Haven't they heard of it!? Oh my goddess, if you get the licence to a fucking kick-ass anime then you should at least do a good job on it! Don't just hire RANDOM PEOPLE TO DO THE JOB! Actually LOCATE FUCKING PEOPLE WHO ARE FANS TO DO IT!!!! GODDESS FORBID IT!

Below is a cut to a 'letter,' rather complaint to Cartoon Network. Personally, I think I was being too nice... -_-


( Read more... )


I'd like to also add that the One Piece anime has greatly disappointed me as well. The shitty voice acting has made me ward off ANYTHING from that author and anime. In addition, 4kidsTV anime quality sucks worse than Cartoon Network. If you don't like what I'm saying, shove it.

Yesterday morning, after I woke up, I began to cry.

It's been almost a month since I left home and I haven't had the chance to go home once. I see everyone else able to go home every weekend and I envy that. I think having my period start that day contributed to my cry that morning. From the moment I woke up, I had a sudden flashback of my home back in Palmer, inside my little house in the Boonies. I remembered little things such as my room, my bathroom, my former grandparent's room, which is now my cousin's room, my parents' bedroom, the den, the kitchen, then leading to the back porch where there is an homegrown garden full of vegetables and a concave sandpit hill with an ocean of dried tall grass... All the little things... thinking about it now has me at ropes even now, the tears are coming...

I miss everyone, my cousins, even the little monster, my parents and my brother. I miss everyone. I want to go home. So hopefully for this long weekend, I can. I would love to go home for a few days. I don't enjoy taking buses with complete strangers to the place of my origin. If I get go to home, I hope to be able to see my old friends too. I haven't talk to them in so long... I miss everyone. Boston is so big that I worry what will become of me. As far as I know, I haven't changed at all. Not from high school to college. All I know that has changed is my clothes and my hair. That's all; nothing else.

Later in the evening, I began to cry again. I was bogged down with stress about my homework assignments and it's hard. My schedule hardly allows me to adjust too much. I have things I want to do, and there are things I need to do... I can't seem to be able to do one or the other and that makes me go numb with anxiety. I know that there has to be balance but that's easier said than done. There has to be mental and physical balance as well as schedule balance between school and social, or in my case, personal. It's not just homework that is getting to me. No...

It's the 'hermit' stuff. Because of homework, I have no social life. It's do one and sacrifice the other. Being asian doesn't help in this situation because all my life, I was taught that education is the most important above all else. Well, I can't exactly do that because I want to have a life outside of school, outside of school work, outside of teachers and such. *sigh* All I want to be is a doujinshi manga artist, then a full fledged yaoi artist, nothing more. All this stuff they teach here seems to be aimed towards Fine Arts.

To everyone who likes Fine Arts, I'm sorry, but I don't particularly have a taste in it. I wouldn't say that I hated it, but it's pretty darn close. I didn't come here to learn fine arts. I came here to learn Illustration and Animation... I'm starting to think now that maybe I should have signed with the Art Institute of New England, then maybe I would have a better chance at getting to where I wanted to go in the first place since in that school, the teachers focus on each student's individual interests.

How depressing... Well, let's talk about my day today.---> I was talking to MegMeg, and she asked me if I wanted to go to an Arashi Concert in Japan for Winter. I was like: "O_O Really!? I wanna go!" And I'll be saving money for that! YAY!!!!!!!!111111oneoneone!!! However, the only hitch is that I need to wait for MegMeg to get the word from Tomo, her friend in Japan. I hear the only way to get tickets to an Arashi Concert is through a Fan that is in an Arashi club there, which doesn't sound strange.. It sounds practical to me.

I'm looking forward to winter in Japan then! Hot guys, me.. hot guys, shinjuku, anime, yaoi books... hot guys... *drool*

Recently, with all the overflowing homework from school, I haven't been able to spend a lot of time with my friends, or the little that I have. Aside from yesterday, attending the Anime Club meeting, I've been feeling depressed and all that sort... And from the other day, being called anti-social, I'm starting to think so too. Because of school, I haven't been able to do a lot of fun things. If I wasn't so worried that I would fail out of school, then I would go out and do something fun and something that I want to do instead of doing my responsibilities. I feel that homework, and all this crap, is sucking away my life force in a way... *sighs* I need time to myself again. I wouldn't mind going back home and staying there for a day. At least I would have a few hours to myself to not worry about my life.

I'm trying my best to balance my school life and my personal life right now, but currently, it's not working too well. I hope that the teachers will go easier on me, even a little, over the course of the next few weeks.. I really need to tend to my other responsibilities too.... Like planning out my cosplaying costume for next May for AnimeBoston. I'm hoping that the members of the anime club will help me too. It'll be my first convention! <3

Another thing I'd like to work on is my online comic. I haven't worked on it at all since I moved here at the beginning of September and I feel that I'm disappointing my fans.. T_T Must. work. on. it!!!!!! X_X *sighs* I'm so utterly useless...

Hopefully, this time, I won't waste a good livejournal. My last one was pretty much dead.. I stopped using it for about two years now and I wasn't interested in writing about mu life until I started college.

It's an interesting school and already I met a lot of people who have the same interests as me. Molly and Val, awesome people. ^,^ Everyone is friendly actually, not that I didn't expect that. But I did. I met up with every one I met at orientation too and everything seems to have fallen into place. Save for the fact that a creepy guy, nicknamed Goku, kinda haunts my friends and eye... Assertively plugging himself into the same table we're sitting at... It's hard looking at him or even speaking to him... He has that 'Igor,' from Frankenstein, feeling of him and speaks like him slightly too... kowai...... *shivers*

The only thing I don't like about college is that no matter how much homework you do, you will always get ten folds more. Teachers really have no mercy for their students. Not to mention the huge books we are required to buy and how expensive they are. No wonder college kids are so poor and are forced to eat Ramen bowls, not that that is too bad.

In addition, my friends, in the dorm hall I live in, keep on asking me to hang out with them, calling me anti-social. I don't think that's true at all. Coming from an asian family, I was taught to put my education first before all else. I don't believe this, however, I do believe in the balance of both worlds, socializing and school. I'm not going to college to pay $34,000 just to socialize with people. No way. My education comes first and when I think I'm ready to stop and go socialize, I will... *sighs* Honestly.

Hanging out is fun, yes, but I have another life too. ~_~;;;

Anywho.. I'm tired. Bed looks mighty seductive. Ashita ja ne!